Ignorance is Strength

HOLY SHIT I’M SO DREADING WAKING UP TOMORROW.

And that might sound morbid….but the last thing I ever want to do is to sing in front of people who have the power to fulfill or crush my hopes and dreams for my future.

I JUST WANT TO SING WELL.

PLEASE LET ME SING WELL.

PLEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEEE!!!!

My audition is tomorrow.

I’m pretty nervous, but also sort of looking forward to it just so I can finally get it over with.

I’m also kind of excited for the music theory and auditory placement tests……as lame as that sounds.

Well, I really hope I make it into the Music Theory program. My college career depends on this.

Fingers crossed.

oh my god i’m so fat.

i keep saying that i need to start eating healthily and working out again but it NEVER.  HAPPENS.

i’m so frustrated with myself.

i hate how i have no self-control.

I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO WEAR A BIKINI THIS SUMMER.

IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK

Saturday.

I haven’t left the house all day and I feel like crap from being sick and I’m dreading my 7 1/2 hour shift tomorrow at Shoprite and omg I just want to socialize and not feel lonely and bored and pushed to the side.

I already hate my job, and tomorrow will only be my 5th day working.
Awesome.

And I just want to be with my friends tonight but I feel too self-conscious to get out of the house.

I hate feeling like this.

Ugh.

Emotions.

I spent the evening with Jack, and I have to say, I am at my absolute happiest whenever I’m with him.

But tonight, when we were just in his car with the seats back, and he was playing me one of his favorite songs and singing along to it….I started crying. And it was dark in the car, so I just turned my head away and it was that kind of silent, slow crying. So it was really abnormal first of all, because I never cry…..ever. Especially in front of other people. And ESPECIALLY not in front of someone who I’m as close to as Jack.

I don’t know.

It was just such a shock for me, especially because I literally could not prevent myself from crying.

And he was holding my hand as the song finished, and he asked if I had enjoyed it, and I nodded and said, “I cried.” And he laughed and asked why, and I honestly couldn’t tell him because I had no idea why it had happened.

But now that I think about it, I cried because I was overwhelmed with extreme bliss because I was with him, all warm and happy and listening to him sing along to this song and it was just so endearing, and at the same time I was overwhelmed with crippling depression because we had been talking about college things earlier and I had just been thinking about that if we make it that far, how indescribably and unthinkably difficult it’d be for me to let go of him.

Having a long-distance relationship would never work for me.

But I honestly can’t picture my life in the future as of right now without Jack in it.
I want to experience the next stage of life with him, but I don’t want to hold(or be held) back by a relationship that will struggle to stay afloat.

I don’t know.

I’m just really scared about what’s to come.

He makes me so perfectly happy.

I never want to leave him.

Oh my god LITERALLY i have been eating junkfood nonstop for the past week.

It’s so bad.
But i can’t stop myself.

I want to go cold-turkey after tomorrow after i stuff my face with all sorts of Valentine’s Day goodness.

I seriously need to just cleanse my body from all this crap i’ve been putting in it and start eating healthily again. And since swim team has ended, i really need to get in the habit now of going to the gym once or twice a week before it’s too late and i lose my motivation/any semblance of fitness.

Sounds like a plan.

So frustrated and depressed.

So this morning I drove all the way to MSU to take my math placement test, and I didn’t get a high enough score on it.  So now I have to fucking take an “elementary algebra” course during the motherfucking SUMMER at RVCC.  Fuck my life.  All I wanted to do this summer was to work at the pool and just enjoy my last summer at home.  And as far as I know, I was the only one who didn’t score high enough out of all the people who were there today.  And what I hate the most is that everyone was freaking out about how they were “totally going to fail” and that they would have to take summer classes, but of course, they all passed with flying colors—as the case has always been for me.  I actually KNOW that I suck at math, and that I have almost NO idea what I’m fucking doing, and it pisses me off how everyone THINKS that they’re in the same boat as me, but I’m sooo much worse off than they are.  It just annoyed me so much.  I’m always in this situation when it comes to math.  I’m the utterly clueless one mixed in with other people who think they “suck” but they actually do worlds better than me, so it just causes me to feel even shittier about myself and my intelligence.

Fuck math.  I hate it so much.



And on top of it all, Jack’s grounded for over a week because he left his phone in his car for 4 hours last night because he wanted to help me write my paper for English, and his parents kept texting him and calling him when he wasn’t by his phone, and now I feel like shit because I feel somewhat responsible for his punishment.  And his parents won’t let us see each other on Valentine’s Day.  And I know that it’s really not a big deal, but this is the first year ever that I legitimately HAVE a “valentine” and I can’t even fucking spend time with him on the actual fucking day!!  Ugh fuck fuck fuck fuck.  I just want to make everything better for him.  I feel so horrible.


Today was just shit.

Pure and simple.

Nervous.

I’m driving to MSU tomorrow morning all by myself to go take my math placement test.

Ugh I’m just really dreading driving on the highway for that long all by myself, and just doing things….by myself.

There’ll be no one next to me to reassure me or hold my hand through the whole process. It’ll be my first real venture into the “grown-up” world.

Please let me make it there and back safely.

Such a perfect night in.

Today marks two months since Jack and I have been going out, and I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend it. We went out with friends to get a couple slices of pizza, then we walked back to his house in the snow, and then we cuddled and watched Comedy Central for a while. Then his mom invited me to stay for dinner and we had delicious baked potatoes and chocolate chip ice cream. :) Then we cuddled and watched some Big Bang Theory, then he walked me home.

It was so simple and happy and relaxing and just uGH. Sorry if this is uninteresting or just like a random spewing of emotions, but I really am so happy. It’s seemed like so much longer than just two months though, because I feel like I’ve just gone through a lot with him in that period of time. I’m just SO happy with him. He treats me so well. I couldn’t have asked for anybody better than him.

Tonight was my last-ever high school swim meet.

I’m done with high school swimming for forever now.

Wow.

It feels so surreal.

Bittersweet.

Went out to Pamir tonight with Jack.

It was his first time eating Afghan food, and I’m so glad he loved everything he tried. :) It was like I was sharing a big part of my childhood with him because I kind of grew up on amazing, authentic Afghan food thanks to my dad, so it was so nice to know that Jack liked it as much as he did.

Ugh, I had such a lovely night with him.
He makes me so happy.